Saturday, October 30, 2010

October 2010 Edition

New Firsts at the Manor

Several wonderful things have been happening at the manor as our ace reporters have discovered. It seems the manor grandchildren are nearly as talented as the monarch and the matron. We hope you enjoy the following reports from two of our top reporters.

Bailee Surprises All

Young Miss Bailee Morrison, granddaughter of the monarch and matron of the manor, proved her genetic connection to the matron today as she began and completed her first sewing machine project. A very proud Miss Bailee is seen here working on and sewing her very first pillow case. Experts reviewing these photographs have been amazed at her abilities.

Miss Bailee practices her technique before beginning her first real project.

Below Miss Bailee is seen beginning her project, pinning the seam she is preparing to sew. Notice the intense concentration which characterizes the young lady.

Youngest Manor Grandchild Impresses All Readers

5-year-old Morgan amazed her older sister as she read her first book without any help. "I have been very impressed with Morgan's attitude and discipline," commented someone who might have been in the schoolroom that day. Said book told the story of Bob and how someone sat on his head.

Young Mrs. Morrison Not So Young Any More
Inside sources have confirmed that we can no longer refer to the oldest manor child as young Mrs. Morrison. She is now officially just Mrs. Morrison, having passed yet another birthday. Celebrations included a delicious dinner prepared by the matron, along with a chocolate cheesecake that brought 5-star reviews from anyone who knew how to review. No-longer-young Mrs. Morrison received help from her daughters to finally achieve blowing out all the candles, possibly just before those candles set the house on fire.

Monarch's Sister Visits the Manor
Unable to stay away any longer, the monarch's sister and her husband stopped by to visit both the monarch and his wonderful wife. Unable to stand being around such greatness, they left after only two nights in the manor.

The monarch's younger sister tries to smile, knowing that the youngest manor child will steal all the attention from this photograph. Sources tell us that this smile is the largest one seen on the sister's face in several years. Her happiness was total as she experienced being in the presence of the manor family.

Random Shot
No-longer-young Mrs. Morrison smiles as she collapses at the dinner table while her husband tries to look unconcerned but ends up looking like he has a stomach ache.
Amazing Amanda Spotted Near Sacramento

Terrific Trudy Continues to Text

As always, our reporters have been scouring the country to find any and all news available about the amazing Crutchfield family and the activities at the manor. This issue is dedicated to the amazing matron of the manor who truly is an inspiration to all who admire her. One of our loyal readers submitted this poem in her honor:

The matron of the manor,
To whom can she compare?
There is none like her
and none can her clothes wear.

Her sweet, charming smile,
Her outstanding wit,
No, none can compare,
There is no fit.

Forever will she live
In my mind and heart
If ever some catastrophe
Should make her depart.

As always, our readers comments are welcome. Please send all pictures or news items to the Chronicle Staff.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

A Day in the Life...

After several days of frustrated efforts, one of our inside sources managed to video the youngest grandchild as she attempts telling an exciting story using an unidentified maleable material to illustrate. She is soon thwarted in this new activity, but our source assured us she was later successful as we would expect.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Michigan Report

After receiving a tip that some of the Crutchfield manor family members may be hiding in Michigan, we sent our senior reporter to said state to investigate. Following some great detective work, he was able to locate several extended family members in addition to one of the manor daughters and her husband. The following is his report:

Family Sighted in Michigan
While hunting for any news of the manor family, I was able to locate the matron's daughter hiding in the matron's sister's house. Sneaking under the window and using my super-secret-snoop camera I was able to take these photos. I know our subscribers will enjoy them even though the story they tell is somewhat disturbing.

This was the first time I had witnessed the matron's sister. The first thing one notices about her is her amazing arms. She must be able to lift the whole family at once. She may even be stronger than the matron
As I panned my camera around the room, I found the matron's daughter involved in an attempt to scare a little boy using a toy tiger. The young boy was quietly playing while the daughter, dressed in her Sunday best, was subtlely approaching with the tiger.

Unable to stop his ferocious wife, said daughter's husband watched with a tearful eye as his beloved wife began to make strange roaring noises. It was fortunate for the wife that the matron's sister was too far away to use her powerful arm to stop the attack.

Later in the afternoon, I witnessed a strange ritual. All of the family members began to sing. It started with the matron's sister and daughter doing an unusual dance routine while singing the praises of the matron.

What happened next was truly incredible. The matron's sister began to grow or stretch until her head bumped the lower part of the ceiling. She continued to sing while the others looked on.

Unable to contain herself, the daughter began singing a happy tune about the joys of having the matron as her mother. If the sister had not been so stretched beside her, it would have been an enjoyable thing to watch. Instead the strange event became even stranger.

The man who turned out to be the matron's father began singing, if one can call that noise singing, to the dice on the table where several members of the family were playing Yahtze. Unfortunately for the father, his vocal vibrations had little effect on the terrible roll before him.

It was at that point the daughter's husband began to make his own music. His unusual singing style did not seem to bother the father who sat quietly smiling beside him.

Apparently no one was supposed to follow the daughter's husband's performance. I report this based on the fact that after a brief silence, the daughter began to sing again. Even though this particular member of the family can indeed produce pleasant vocal vibrations, her husband raced across the room to silence her by forcibly closing her mouth. I wondered if I should do something to stop the rather violent action but it was over quickly with no apparent damage to the daughter.

Indeed, the daughter's husband seemed quite proud of himself as seen in this picture of his pleased smile. The strangeness was not yet over. After holding that smile for approximately ten minutes without moving, the second act began.

It was the husband himself who started it. He began to sing,... well, some would call it screech,... while eating his food. It was both disturbing and fascinating.

He was quickly joined by the sister whose eyes took on an eerie glow while she attempted to harmonize with the screech.

Apparently this type of singing must be done with food on your way to your mouth. The matron's mother, who was unable to spear her food, could not join in. I cannot report on what her voice may be able to produce at this time.
In this reporter's opinion, the matron was wise to leave her family and move to Idaho. The Chronicle Staff had originally assumed the manor occupants were hiding from the press, but we are now considering the possibility that they are hiding from this strange branch of the family.
Editor's Note
This reporter left the scene of the strange singing ritual somewhat confused and disoriented. Several days later we received this photograph from another part of Michigan showing the daughter trying to make her two cats kiss. We here at The Chronicle are hopeful that the daughter and her husband may return to Idaho in the near future to be away from the strange influences of Michigan.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Family Members Spotted At The Zoo

The inhabitants of the Crutchfield Manor have been very secretive this past year. Although we have tried valiantly to report the activities of the manor, several of our reporters have been spotted and escorted from the manor grounds. In an effort to continue to provide information to our readers, we have placed our best reporters all around the nation in hopes of garnishing any news of this illustrious family. To date we have only encountered limited success. Our Michigan reporter has spotted Trudy and her husband Jeffrey in several cities there. It is rumored among the natives that Jeffrey spends his time working with pizza. We have not been able to ascertain if he is creating or eating said pizza but will continue to search for answers.

Meanwhile, the amazing Amanda has been on the move in an effort to escape detection. It was only after one of our reporters suffered serious injury that she was spotted working at a hospital in the San Francisco area. We will not divulge the name of said hospital as we do not want our readers to invade said hospital in an effort to see her.

Kim has been the largest challenge to find. It seems she has almost completely disappeared. We will continue to search for this interesting member of the manor family.

We finally had a breakthrough with the manor grandchildren this week as you can see in the following photographs:

One of our underground reporters spotted several members of the extended Crutchfield Manor family at the zoo this week. The family has been unavailable for pictures or comment for some time now so this was quite an exciting development. Audrey Morrison, seen here, did try to disguise the girls by spraying them with skin coloring agent, but our ace reporter was not fooled by the coloring agent or Mrs. Morrison's sun glasses or Tinkerbell backpack.

Mrs. Morrison also attempted to hide the girls in a native hut but was unsuccessful.

After a valiant attempt to lose our ace reporter, the young girls were caught at a gambling wheel. At first glance, our reporter assumed the young girls were indeed gambling, but then realized they were actually attempting to keep others from this dark activity. While Bailee blocked the evil wheel, the young Morgan ran for help from her mother. What honorable children are these two grandchildren of the manor!

The youngest Morrison daughter was also caught helping a young elephant with a stuffy nose. Is there no end to the goodness of this family?

Based on this amazing photograph, it is the opinion of the Chronicle staff that Mrs. Morrison may be training to become one of our ace photographers.

We encourage our readers to keep their ears open for any news about this amazing family. They have become very adept at keeping their privacy, which we highly respect, but also know that our readers are desperate for news about the members of the manor. We here at the Chronicle will continue to monitor tips as they arrive in an effort to provide our readers with the biggest and best news available.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Crutchfield Family Seen in Utah

Our ace photographer caught this terrified expression on the face of Amazing Amanda Crutchfield recently in an amusement park in Utah where the family had gone for a few days of rest and relaxation. Sources tell us it was not so relaxing for Amazing and the monarch and matron on the way. Not far outside of Mountain Home they witnessed a motorcycle accident in front of them on the freeway. Within seconds Amazing was out and tending to the needs of the woman who slid across the road while the manly monarch helped to clear the road and direct traffic until the ambulence arrived and the injured were escorted to the nearest hospital. The matron, who ever keeps her cool, had quickly dialed 911 and had an ambulence on the way.
Upon notifying Mrs. Audrey Morrison that they would be late, they proceeded on their perilous quest only to be stopped again by a flat tire. By this time it was already dark so while the monarch unloaded the trunk to reach the spare, the matron once again proved her worth with the cell phone and texted Mrs. Morrison once more. It was decided by the wise monarch to spend the night in a nearby village, although it was difficult to find a hotel that met Amazing's high standards. Mrs. Morrison was very understanding, refraining herself to a small complaint that this was very inconvenient for her as the monarch's car was carrying the eating utensils for the group.
The following morning, Amazing once again showed her amazingness by whipping out her credit card and allowing the monarch to buy new tires for her. The monarch, giddy with anticipation, left the hotel very early and returned with the best tires he could find.

The monarch did not let his age stop him - he rode several roller coasters with the younger members of the family without fear or consequence...sort of.

Covering his eyes after the roller coaster rides helped with the small after-effects. Unfortunately it took several hours for this expression to leave his face.

The youngest of the clan did her best to remain in cognito. We at the Chronicle understand the challenges of living in a famous family. We do our best to give the family their privacy, but we know that our readers want to know all about their lives. It's a tough balancing act.

Mrs. Morrison also tried to hide her identity by plastering her hair to her head and wearing nondiscript sunglasses. It might have worked better had young Bailee been able to look at her without feeling repulsed. The Chronicle staff believes that Audrey's act of hiding her neck probably was very effective.
More News from the Manor
Our hidden sources in Stanley, Idaho, informed us earlier this week that the monarch and the matron were seen scaling the mountains outside their fair village. Kim O'Connor was also with them. They were seen the following day at a local pizza place eating a large pizza with great gusto. What an amazing couple!
Medical Update
Although it has been several months since the initial injury, the matron continues to patiently and quietly deal with her shoulder pain. Sources near to her claim it will be several more months before she can expect a full recovery. Her fine example of silent suffering has been an inspiration to all.
Meanwhile, in an effort to gain some attention for himself, the monarch threw his back out tieing his shoe. A single trip to the chiropractor seems to have done the trick. Some of our advisors warn that age may have something to do with this injury epidemic, but experts tell us this is not so. We believe the experts.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Special Announcement

The Chronicle staff is back in the office! Production to begin soon!!!

Monday, January 19, 2009

January 19, 2009

The Holidays Have Come and Gone at the manor, but our staff was able to sneak in a few photographs from our hidden photographers inside said manor.

Young Bailee was pleased with her pajamas for this year. They were long enough to drag on the ground - just as a princess' pajamas should.
Younger Morgan was also pleased although our fashion guru is convinced these pajamas are slightly over-sized. No problem. The top functions as a night gown and the fleece is toasty warm.
Older Amazing Amanda amazed all with her ability to once again find the "Banged Can Lid" Christmas ornament. She just never ceases to amaze.
And here we have the matron showing the price that the monarch did NOT pay for the tree.
In other news....
It seems there was an unannounced ballet production at the manor house Friday evening.

From the editor:
Today's edition is somewhat shorter than usual but we hope to be back to full production at some point. We appreciate your patience.