Michigan Report

After receiving a tip that some of the Crutchfield manor family members may be hiding in Michigan, we sent our senior reporter to said state to investigate. Following some great detective work, he was able to locate several extended family members in addition to one of the manor daughters and her husband. The following is his report:


Family Sighted in Michigan
While hunting for any news of the manor family, I was able to locate the matron's daughter hiding in the matron's sister's house. Sneaking under the window and using my super-secret-snoop camera I was able to take these photos. I know our subscribers will enjoy them even though the story they tell is somewhat disturbing.

This was the first time I had witnessed the matron's sister. The first thing one notices about her is her amazing arms. She must be able to lift the whole family at once. She may even be stronger than the matron

herself.

As I panned my camera around the room, I found the matron's daughter involved in an attempt to scare a little boy using a toy tiger. The young boy was quietly playing while the daughter, dressed in her Sunday best, was subtlely approaching with the tiger.

Unable to stop his ferocious wife, said daughter's husband watched with a tearful eye as his beloved wife began to make strange roaring noises. It was fortunate for the wife that the matron's sister was too far away to use her powerful arm to stop the attack.

Later in the afternoon, I witnessed a strange ritual. All of the family members began to sing. It started with the matron's sister and daughter doing an unusual dance routine while singing the praises of the matron.

What happened next was truly incredible. The matron's sister began to grow or stretch until her head bumped the lower part of the ceiling. She continued to sing while the others looked on.

Unable to contain herself, the daughter began singing a happy tune about the joys of having the matron as her mother. If the sister had not been so stretched beside her, it would have been an enjoyable thing to watch. Instead the strange event became even stranger.

The man who turned out to be the matron's father began singing, if one can call that noise singing, to the dice on the table where several members of the family were playing Yahtze. Unfortunately for the father, his vocal vibrations had little effect on the terrible roll before him.

It was at that point the daughter's husband began to make his own music. His unusual singing style did not seem to bother the father who sat quietly smiling beside him.

Apparently no one was supposed to follow the daughter's husband's performance. I report this based on the fact that after a brief silence, the daughter began to sing again. Even though this particular member of the family can indeed produce pleasant vocal vibrations, her husband raced across the room to silence her by forcibly closing her mouth. I wondered if I should do something to stop the rather violent action but it was over quickly with no apparent damage to the daughter.

Indeed, the daughter's husband seemed quite proud of himself as seen in this picture of his pleased smile. The strangeness was not yet over. After holding that smile for approximately ten minutes without moving, the second act began.

It was the husband himself who started it. He began to sing,... well, some would call it screech,... while eating his food. It was both disturbing and fascinating.

He was quickly joined by the sister whose eyes took on an eerie glow while she attempted to harmonize with the screech.

Apparently this type of singing must be done with food on your way to your mouth. The matron's mother, who was unable to spear her food, could not join in. I cannot report on what her voice may be able to produce at this time.

In this reporter's opinion, the matron was wise to leave her family and move to Idaho. The Chronicle Staff had originally assumed the manor occupants were hiding from the press, but we are now considering the possibility that they are hiding from this strange branch of the family.

Editor's Note

This reporter left the scene of the strange singing ritual somewhat confused and disoriented. Several days later we received this photograph from another part of Michigan showing the daughter trying to make her two cats kiss. We here at The Chronicle are hopeful that the daughter and her husband may return to Idaho in the near future to be away from the strange influences of Michigan.